__Gong Ringer___

Looking for someone to ring a gong in my living room when prompted.
Part time position, I imagine mostly weekends.
Experience not necessary,
but history of gong-related ceremony in bloodline preferred.
Serious inquiries only.

To whom it may concern,

I am interested in the position you have available for Living Room, Gong Ringer.  My name is Fred "The Hammer" Smith, and  my experience in the area of Gong Striking is extensive and my resume quite robust.  I have rung Gongs for such establishments as Pang Wong’s Chinese Buffet.  As well as for private events like the Beta House Mud Wrestling Championship of 94.  I can trace my Gong heritage back many, many, many, generations all the way to Gongdhi the creator of the original Gong.  So as you can see, Gongage runs thick in my veins. I do have one concern and would like to talk to you more about the Gong prompting nonsense you have eluded to.  I tend to be of the belief that Gong Ringing is akin to a spiritual experience and should never be struck at the whimsy of any individual but only when the moment is just right.  I also do not respond well to authority so this may be an issue as I do not take direction well.  

Thank you, and I hope you will “ring” me soon.    

Paranormal investigators needed

I am on the look out for people interested in joining the hunt for the paranormal.
Whether you have experience in the field through working with other teams or
you are just curious and have a couple of personal experiences
We welcome you to apply!
would you like to learn more about our group?
Reply to this post with any and all questions you may have.
If you are interested in being an investigator
This is a non-profit opportunity. Paranormal investigating is a hobby that
you will need to be willing to dedicate your
time to without the expectation of receiving any type of monetary compensation.
Paranormal investigators have to be driven by passion and
satisfaction in helping others.
reply to this post answering the questions below

1.Contact Information (name, location, phone, email).
2.Why you want to be an Investigator.
3.Any prior experience or experience working with another team.
4.What knowledge do you possess about Investigating the Paranormal? How did you learn it?
5.Availability.
6.Have you ever been arrested or convicted for any type of crime.
7.Additional information you want us to know.

Thank you for looking

to my peers in the paranormal propaganda profession.

My name is Buster.  I've been a self employed paranormal investigator since I dropped out of high school in 89.  I do not believe that one can want to be a paranormal investigator.  One either is or is not, and I most certainly am.  My experience is extensive.  The last client I took had an invisible man sleeping in her bed.  After only a few minutes of ME sleeping in her bed she was satisfied that the ghost was gone and asked me to leave.  All the knowledge of the paranormal that I posses has come through personal experience.  And as such some of my methods may seem a bit unconventional.  I hope you and your team do not mind different kinds of animal excrement.  

Being that I am a lone wolf my availability is open to my own interpretation and for you I would interpret it as wide open.  I have no arrests or convictions.  However I do have a few restraining orders against me.  I hope that will not be a problem.  

I’m so excited to find others with a passion for the paranormal that equals my own.  I can tell from the tone of your post that you are true investigators and not everyday, run of the mill ghost hunters.  Our industry needs people like us.  So often, when there’s something strange in my neighborhood, my neighbors always ask me, “Who should we call?”  And alas, I have never had a good answer for them, until now. 

I’m looking forward to working with you. 
Buster

Yoga model

Yoga model wanted for art and traveling. Travel expense paid. Please send a few photos. Please no coffee drinkers, mass chocolate eaters, or uncontrollable high energy people.

To whom it may concern.  

I believe that I would be an exceptional yoga model for both art and traveling.  I’m very happy that you will be paying my travel expenses because I am flat broke.  Not much work for traveling, yoga, art models ya know...  I am concerned about your job requirements however.  I feel that you may be discriminating against those of us that like to have five or six cups of coffee each morning.  I do occasionally eat Chocolate in mass as well.  So I don’t appreciate your overzealous tone towards those of us that do.  I mean what’s wrong with sprinkling my coco-puffs with chocolate covered chocolate chips and then drizzling it with just a jar of chocolate sauce?  I use a dark chocolate Hershey Bar to stuff it into my mouth and that's good for my heart right?  Some days I only drink one glass of chocolate milk to wash it all down.  Now I think that shows my capacity for self restraint.  And as far as my uncontrollable high energy is concerned, I only run around the room screaming for twenty minutes or so at which point my energy degenerates into uncontrollable shakes and jitters.  After that I usually laps into a sugar coma for a few hours, but once I wake up I'm good.

I think that we could be a good match if you would just get over these discriminating tendencies you have.  I look forward to hearing from you. 

Honey I Shrunk The Kids role-playing partner needed

This is an odd request, but I am looking for a role-playing partner to do email or instant message-based sessions revolving around various reenactments and recreations of situations similar to those in the Disney classic movie Honey I Shrunk The Kids.  “Really?... OK....”

Various aspects of the original movie have always fascinated me.  “And why wouldn’t they.  Shrink rays are very fascinating.” The perspective of being shrunken, and the various interactions with normal every-day objects and situations.  “Yeah... like the prospect of being confronted with a giant moron... I feel like I’m living it right now...” My role would be that of a shrunken individual, while yours would be that of the normal sized role.  “Is "size" not relative to the size you are?  Therefore would not your current size be the normal size and referring to a different size as normal be an incorrect statement.  Did I just blow your mind?”

Out of all of the scenes in the movie that I have always wanted to reenact through role-play is that of the Cheerios scene.  “Where are you going to get giant cheerios? Not to mention all that milk.  Is that in your budget?” Of course, swapping out Rick Moranis for yourself would be preferred.  “Um, I’m not really the Rick Moranis type.  How bout I be the Cheerio.  Then you don’t have to worry about finding a giant one.”

The requirements for this job: you are a female, “Rick Moranis wasn’t a female.” you are verbose, descriptive almost to the point of it being ridiculous,  “I think you have the ridiculous covered.” very imaginative, and hopefully that you like Cheerios.  “The bigger the better.” The ability to take something as simple as moving your hand and creating a moment and event out of it would be preferred as far as detail depth.  “What does that even mean? I’m so confused...”

If you feel you could be into this, and have plenty of fun doing so, then please reply.

!!!WRESTLE ME!!!

I want to wrestle a strong woman.  I am a male. I am 39 yr old. 5'10" tall. I am 215 lbs. No sex, strictly wrestling. If interested send a pic and desired compensation. Thank  “I’m speechless...”

Scouting for Red-Hot Masculine Talent

This could likely be the easiest job opportunity you have ever had. “I don't know, I've had some pretty hard opportunities.”

All Expenditure paid grownup solo pro shoot.  “Wow, so many adjectives my head just exploded.”
Involving the ages of 18-32 “Every single one of those ages?  That’s gonna be a full shoot”
Photogenic
Comfortable to work with
Athletic body with a 6 pack, or more  “I bet you’ve never scene a 24 pack before.  It’s like I'm some kinda of muscle freak!”
Little to No Tattoos/Body modifications  “I've gauged my belly button... will that be a problem?


Certified applicants will acquire an all-expense-paid trip to the studio plus $1500+, “Double plus, awesome!”  with no costs or costs to you.  “When will I know if there will or will not be any costs to me?.”  We really encourage all beginners to look for this chance!  “Where should I be looking?”

This is a break of a lifetime, so please do not wait! “Do you mean chance of a lifetime? Oh, I don't care, I’m so EXCITED!”  You should send 2 pictures and your contact info.

Fascinated Applicants please send email to: submit@*********.com “I do have a mild curiosity. Not sure if would say fascinated though...”

Need a 4th Turtle

We are celebrating my birthday on Friday 8/20/2010 “Happy Birthday!”...at exactly 2 pm “Sharp?” we will start to play Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time ReShelled (TM) “I’m glad you threw the trade mark in there.  I was thinking you were talking about a different game.”  I have 3 other best friends “But which is your bestest friend?”...but one of them won't be able to make it “Guess it’s not him.” ...so we will need a fourth player...our current fourth player is a bit of a stoner so by default he is always Michaelangelo “Hey Mikey doesn't do drugs and I resent the connotation.” ...so you have to be alright with that. Also if for any reason my stoner friend is able to make it (whether he be late...or mid game) you must hand the controller over to him immediately.  “I don’t think you understand, I don’t just give up a controller.”  We all are all huge Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles fans so we do make a lot of jokes and puns having to do with Shredder/Shells/Krang/and April's hot yellow jump suit.  “You naughty boys, so sly and clever.” We tend to call characters we don't know the name of Erma ...because she sucks.  “Hey my grandmothers name is Erma!” The pay for this job will be 15.00. If we beat the game with your help..the pay becomes 20.  “Keep your lunch money kid, I don’t charge for my awesome turtle abilities.” We will be playing on Hard Mode so only serious gamers please.  “OOOO I’m scared.”

Thanks and cowabunga dude! “You better have pizza.”

MATH

I need someone to help me with my math so i can graduate!!!  “I can see you are excited!!! Math is fun!!!” it's simple. “Is it?” i can't pay you but you would be rewarded with a act of good deeds. :) “Will you be the one rewarding me with this single act of many deeds?”
you have to know your math tho because i absolutly suck at it.  “Well at least your honest.  Perhaps we should work on English too.”

lets form a mini talent agency

I have been taking photographs of beautiful people from west coast and east coast. “Because people in the middle of the country are ugly.”

one thing lack is quality and decent talent agency. “Another thing lack is proper tense.”

If you are currently working in talent agency “I’m not sure if I’m in talent agency or not. How would I know?” and you want to increase more models, and actress, actors, musicians,. “I’m on the edge of my seat! what is it?!?!”

i am the guy to talk to. “You are!”

I have the license for corporation. “No that’s just a drivers license... how did you get that by the way?” i just need to know ins and out of running talent agency. “Perhaps you should start with English before you move on to talent agency.”
include your name, phone number, your currentl title: years in the industry, website link., etc.
please no wanabee talent agency or agents... “You obviously have the wannabee position covered.”

i am looking to add as far as 150 people this month. “150 is very far. I don’t think I’m qualified for that kind of distance.”

get back to me.

Smoke a cigarette

I need someone who smokes. “I do”
Someone comfortable with smoking. “I’m not. I tend to fidget a lot.”
Someone who can be casual, maybe even a bit sexual (very, very slightly so) “Sorry, I only do totally sexy.” while smoking a cigarette.

And no, this doesn't belong under "adult". “Obviously.”

Why am I asking this? “That’s my main concern.”
Well, I'm writing a novel, and I feel the words come best, becomes truly tangible, when I'm drawing from real life experience. “What an eloquent sentence structure. You must be an amazing writer.”

So, what I want to see, as to make it clearer and more accessible in my mind's eye, is a girl smoking a cigarette (preferably a Virginia Slim) in the back seat of my car, while holding a light conversation. “Will I get to use lots of commas too?”

If you're interested in the text of the piece so far (I have a couple of drafts written for the scene), that can definitely be arranged. “I’m so interested in your masterful writing.” And, who knows, “Could you clarify as to who would know?” I might call on you again later for other small acting gigs if you do a good job. “This will be great for my resume. I can’t wait for you to call me again later.”

You (ideally): White, pretty, on the shorter side, petite and/or curvy, brunette with bangs, nose ring.
I'm willing to compromise on, well, just about all of that “Never compromise your art!” - but if that describes you, “In every way, only I’m not pretty.” and/or you're interested in doing this job for cheap, please do send me a line. “Um, OK, _______________, is that line long enough?”

(by the way, I'm not some old creeper. I'm 19, so don't worry) “I AM an old creeper, so you should worry.”

looking for conversations

need intelligent people to have conversations about various topics including technology, future,and others. “I’m rather intrigued about the others. Perhaps we could have a conversation about your intelligence.” you could receive money to do this for more information “I would love money to do this for more information.” please fill out this form: melyke.net/form.php “Oh a form you must be smart.”

Dew U O IR$ ????????????????????

“No but I Dew Dew the Dew, Dew U?”

I could be talking to you.

“Wait... where are you? Are you talking to me right now?”

If the IRS has your number “They dew. It’s 43... shhhh don’t tell anyone.” you need to call me toll free at 1-800-Mr-Refund “Is that really your last name? How convenient for you.” and get the IRS off your a$$ today. “Oh you said A$$.”

What comes around goes around. “Kinda like a merry-go-round?” The last thing you want is an IRS agent digging and finding more reasons you should be paying out the yazoo. “Your so right. That is the last place I want to be paying from.”

MBA Mike CPA “I’ve heard of an MBA and a CPA, but whats a Mike?”

Companionship for Old Man with Money

“How much money?

Need someone to care for me one evening a week. “How much money?”
Cooking a dinner and general companionship maybe taking walks and remind to take medications before you leave. “How much money?”
I am more comfortable with a younger female who is friendly and trustworthy. “How much money?”
Write me here with little info as to why I should hire you and a contact number. “How much money?”

RESUMES WELCOME BUT NOT MANDATORY.

Bear skin rug needs repair

I have a bear skin rug that need some repair. “Again? this is the fourth time this month.” The teeth, eyes, nose and claws need to be repaired or replacd “Do you mind if I use human remains, bears are scarce around here.”
Would like to trade for your repair with my professional photography. “Will you take shots of me in the bear skin... and only the bear skin?”
Serious response only please. “I’m dead serious, dead as your bear skin serious. Grrrrrrr”

Thanks

ARTISTIC/VISIONARY student/freelancer/hobbyist to make a VISION BOARD

I'm looking for a very CREATIVE and ARTSY VISIONARY (you can be a student/freelancer/hobbyist) who can help me do a "Vision Board" that will be like a BLUEPRINT/ROADMAP to DIRECT me though the next stages of my life. “Do not worry my son, your VISIONARY is here.” YOU “ME?” should know how to DRAW “YES!” or SKETCH “YES AGAIN!” really well, be good at conceptualizing and idea “I am great at at both conceptualizing and Idea!” then representing it through art, and know how to work with multi-media materials (maybe this will include collage, drawing, script, and photo-montage, ect...). “MMMMM yes I can see your road map laid out in a collage of newspaper and magazine clippings. Or perhaps a Photo-montage of you in compromising positions. It is all so clear in my minds eye.” I am extremely creative myself but can barely draw a straight line and have hit a brick wall on how to approach this project. “Do not worry little one your ARTISTIC/VISIONARY is here to guide you through this intense process.”

This is INTENSELY personal “I know I used the same word in my last sentence. Can you feel our connection?” and special to me so it's important that you include a BLURB about YOURSELF, your ART BACKGROUND/EXPERIENCE, and how you think you would approach this project and be able to assist me. “The only BLURB you need is my love.” Ultimately, the best candidate will be drawn to this project “I am so drawn.” because it sounds interesting and fun “So Fun!” because THIS IS NOT A "GET RICH" GIG. “I’m out.” However, I WILL BUY all the materials and we can negotiate monetary compensation for your work. “There is no compensation great enough for ARTISTIC/VISIONARY.”

Seeking Photoshop Wizard

“My magical Photoshop powers will dazzle you.”

Tie Imaging Photography is seeking a photoshop wizard to make business cards for the upcoming event that is held September 5. “Oh for THE event. OK, now I’m interested.” I reiterate I'm looking to hire anyone who wonderful photoshop skills and that can make my business cards stand out for these clients, if you have any information please feel to contact Tie through his cell at ***-***-**** “Whoa slow down, take a breath, use a period. First off thank you for reiterating I wasn’t clear before. I am defiantly someone who wonderful photoshop skills, I wonderful photoshop all day long. I also have tons of information, for instance I have blue eyes and enjoy pizza immensely.”

Type of photography I capture is Fashion and Lifestyle Photography. Looking for something hot and thanks! “Hot and thanks is my specialty. Oh, and nice period ;).”

Please note that the design is all I need not the card, but if you can make the cards to at a fair price I'm down with you on it but I prefer the design, thaks a bunch! “Point noted. But if you want to get down with me on it, I am also well versed in the art of cutting card stock. However I prefer the design also especially in a bunch of thaks.”

We need a ride from airport to Naperville

We are looking for a ride to attend a wedding in Naperville.

“I got a car, I can drive. And I just got off parole.”

We are flying in from out of town and need on Saturday morning.

“I need on Saturday mornings too.”

From Miday, to O'hare, then to Naperville to arrive between 1pm-2pm

“I usually send my bags to a different airport too. For security purposes.”

And then back by Monday afternoon. Please let us know if you can help us. Thank you.

We can pay $50 each way. Thanks.

“I’ll do it for free if your pertty.”

SEEKING EXP. GRAPHIC DESIGNER

“I AM AN EXP. GRAPHIC DESIGNER! AND NOW EVERYONE IN A ONE MILE RADIUS KNOWS IT!”

I AM THE OWNER OF A SMALL ADULT WEBSITE

“PORN, GREAT JUST THE KIND OF WORK I WOULD LOVE TO PUT IN MY PORTFOLIO!”

I AM SEEKING A WELL VERSED GRAPHIC ARTIST WHO IS CREATIVE...

“DANG I’M EVERYTHING BUT CREATIVE!!!”

MUST BE EXCELLENT AT ADOBE SUITE

“AND APPARENTLY, ABLE TO YELL A LOT!”

I AM SEEKING SOMEONE WHO CAN REDESIGN THE FOLLOWING

1- HEADER
3 - BANNERS DIFFERENT SIZES
1-5X7 AD

“OH IS THAT ALL? THAT WILL ONLY TAKE A COUPLE DAYS! AS AN EXP. GRAPHIC DESIGNER I CHARGE $50 AN HOUR!”

I AM OFFERERING $50 FOR THIS SIMPLE PROJECT

“OH, I GUESS BY EXP. GRAPHIC DESIGNER, YOU MEANT A TWELVE YEAR OLD THAT FIDDLES AROUND WITH A HACKED COPY OF PHOTOSHOP!”